Run for Cover - The Newtons go Online

From 6th July, 2000

In a shocking and exclusive press release the Newton Diaspora recently announced the creation of a new Internet website dedicated entirely to itself. "It is designed as a completely innocent medium to allow members of this far-flung family to communicate with one another more easily", claimed the proud webmaster, who nevertheless prefers to remain anonymous.

It is understood that the 'Newtons' will use their new site, Newtonia.Org, to announce events such as birthdays and invitations to dinner, to boast about their childrens' achievements, and to spam each other about their new cars in a rather novel, and far more humane, fashion than has been practised to date.

Opponents to the idea, terrified that the moral certitude of the community is endangered by the erection of this site, are said to be picketing in the graveyard of St. Thomas's Church, but neither were available for comment as this reporter swung by. (Excerpt from the Evening Echo)

Here are just some of the special features awaiting any brave 'Newtons' entering this site:

• The 'Terms of Endearment' table, including prudent tips on recommended usage (since discontinued for family safety - Ed)
• The 'Cats 'n' Kids' page - no children or pets may be offered for sale
• The 'Recipes' page - could this mean a webcam in every kitchen?
• ... and, of course, the 'Online Blackmail' page - stare if you dare

The major subject on everybody's mind will be, of course, 'How old is the Queen Mum?' Alas, filial decency (and a hefty contribution to the online blackmail fund) forbids us from revealing this fascinating truth.